The Girl

Sept 16th 1986
a dancer
a dreamer
an imperfect perfectionist


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> ... and so you think?
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> ...
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> mixed feelings..

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Artiste: Tanya Chua
Song Title: Beautiful Love
Monday, April 16, 2007

you never know til you experience it yourself..

i really really dread to keep thinking about this and i blame myself for being distracted and make myself feel awful right now. there is really so many things going on now, that i think i am going crazy. i wanna ask WHY am i facing so many difficulties this semester. sometimes i ask myself why am i going thru all this and the only answer i can give myself is that i am realy not good at handling these kind of stuff. if only i had one less thing to worry about my family.

i guess where matters of the heart are concerned, nobody is exactly right or wrong. i can say i really cant be bothered with wat others think, cos i know they dont know me so they will just make believe what is portrayed to them on surface. but... wat i really care are those pple who know me and still judge me the same way as the others.. maybe.. maybe they dont know me well enuff.. it is only natural that pple judge i understand, and i am guilty of such judgement too.. are you guilty of such judgement too? but they are pple i care about, and it just hurts when they thot the same way as others do too.

yes you may think i am trying to defend myself. yes i guess i am. but who doesnt when things are not exactly the way pple think? moreover, this is my blog, yes a public one, but i am just writing how i feel, pple read, they read, for those who doesnt, well den so be it. definitely not everyone has to know the whole matter, i mite not even matter to them. just a talking point for them i guess. but i extremely hate it when pple defend and distort the truth to suit their story. how can one assume their thots and impose on another person? the thing is if thats how you think, it's fine.. but it's bad when one thinks that way and announce to the world that it is that way. it is no difference from those gossipers who spread rumours any way they think it seems more juicy to others. i hate it when you sounded as if you are in the right. and you jolly well knew that you have brought all this upon urself. sorry for being harsh but i feel that i dun wish to talk abt what you did so explicitly such that everyone knows what you did. but you just had to do it. i think that is quite childish. but well, it is your own blog, you have the right to say anything and i will and should not tell you what to say cos it's ridiculous.. i admit i should not have lied to you but wat i really did wrong is that i did not settle things properly and things heat up.. so now i am the villian.

i totally agree that once the scar is there, no matter how insignificant the scar is, it will always be there. and precisely that is one of the reason why i know i cant continue. one scar.. you may use something to conceal it and it may still not be visible.. two scars.. you use back the same method.. so what if there's many scars? you know.. it will just accumulate and when u realise it, those numerous scars can no longer be concealed anymore..

ive cried so many nights but do you ever know? and its all because of you, do you ever realised? it's not only one or two chance we are talking about.. why do pple only try when they finally realise the one they have always wanted is gone? why cant pple do something when there is still hope? why do they only admit their mistakes when it is too late? you think i have moved on? i dun think so.

the more i think of what you have done and doin now, the more i feel there is no point. cos you still dun understand. i find it kinda crazy to want to rebut. and i think i shud not, and i did not. cos all along, the reason why this does not work out is really really really not cos of a third party which you always assume that is the cause. you are trying to be stronger, and i can tell you i have went past that phase already. i hope and i think i am stronger already. i am so tired of saying this but you yourself should be guilty of saying one, but doin another.

-Sign Off @ 12:34 AM :)