i guess often we will have days or nights when we wiLL feeL lonely and low.. Just like in life, there r bound to be highs and lows to prob make life more interesting? Just like a nite like this, where the tranquility of the nite just sweep into mi room, making it ever so quiet and lonely, unlike the usual B3 short wing.. the feeling of being alone strikes mi again. many things r running thru mi mind, invading mi thots rite now..
Stace is fast asleep, Jessica is not in her room, Chiara is busy studying, Key is out for supper, Jialin is so far from mi, Shiqi is yet another fren dat i've neglected and oso drifting further from mi, *he is busy rushing his assignments.. everyone has their things to do, everyone is busy.. except mi.. i tink i'm thinking too much.. am i being emotional or am i just plain tired? certainly, i have heLL lot of better stuff to do than to whine and typing rubbish here.. but i chose the latter.. i know i definitely dun have the mood to study rite now.. it just dun feel right..
Just came back from Clara's room and i knew dat i missed out heLL lot of fun just now.. just prob 2 hrs ago.. it's mi fault.. i could be not being lazy and tired and join mi frenz to celebrate mi dear gal's bdae.. but i din.. aniwae dat's not the main point.. thou i do feel bad abt missing those fun..
i realised actually i do realli have a low self esteem.. and sometimes pessimistic.. i do need ppLe esp mi loved ones, mi frenz to constantly assure mi dat i'm being loved by them.. unless this is not the case rite from the start.. i'm starting to wonder do i treat mi frenz good enuff? do i appear fake in front of others? do i play mi role as a fren (not just hi-bye fren) to mi frenz? do i neglect mi frenz so great dat i shud be beat up? am i a bad person?... sometimes i feel loved, but sometimes i dun.. happy-go-lucky and crazy as i may seem most of da times.. but deep down inside it may appear just as the opposite..
suddenly i miss mi family, it's not dat i dun miss them at other times.. but as busy as i am.. i often forgot how much i missed them and dat i realli miss them.. Annie msged mi today and i realised i do miss mi dearest sis a lot.. i used to talk to her til she got married.. lucky i still have Janet who will listen to mi rantings and watever shit i produce.. sometimes, i just broke down in front of them halfway thru talking.. and it just felt great after everything cos it sort of gotta off mi chest and they show dat they cared.. which is a very great console to mi..
here in hall, i do have good frenz whom i shared good times with.. i felt sometimes not able to open to them as much.. not even *him too.. not dat i dun wan to.. but i cant.. i felt sometimes it wud be better to keep inside myself, and put up a strong front in front of them so i'll feel better abt myself.. feel stronger.. i rather coop inside mi room and cry to myself than to let them see mi shed tears.. it makes mi vulnerable.. however, at the same time, while i'm crying myself inside, i hope they can shower mi with some concern so dat i will feel better.. this is a very contradicting thot, i know.. it feels like oxy-moron, i know.....
in any case, i feel as if i've talked to an invisible fren thru bloggin.. thru this channel of writing.. prob this is an alternative for mi.. for those who feel dat they actually do care for mi, pls dun ask mi wat happened, cos i know much probe will lead mi to crying.. So, a hug.. a good hug.. will be very much appreciated already..
here's a smile =) for myself.. from mi..